|Posted on June 26, 2010 at 4:27 AM|
My journey to Islam: Story of brother Steven (Steve) from Belgium
Where to begin... It's a long story, but I hope others may find support/inspiration in it.
Also, please excuse my many spelling and grammatical errors. English is not my native tongue and on top of that, I'm dyslectic.
I was raised as a Christian but lost my faith somewhere at the age of 6. Things just didn't make sense for me. I guess I've been quite critical all my life. I even remember thinking that my teacher was a moron when I was 7 because he had claimed that time-traveling could be possible. "If time is the speed at which things change how could these changes be undone for a traveler?" was the first thing that popped into my mind smile.gif As I grew older I went trough some hard times and had to deal with serious matters at an early age. The worst of them all was a depression of my father in which he tried to kill us in order to commit suicide afterwards. The fights, fleeing home, the divorce, I’m sure one can imagine...
It seemed like every time I trusted someone, loved someone, they 'd betray me. It didn't take long for me not to trust anyone let alone believe in a higher being without any proof of such. I'd even say at one point I fitted all criteria from the definition of paranoia. Not that I seemed to have any problems, I functioned perfectly in today’s society, but inside I always felt like a big mess. I studied science and was quite good in it; I even became passionate about it, for they seemed the only certainties in life. Morality and ethics were pointless words, leftovers from old wives tales and so called holy books.
Until one day I was smoking pot for the first time of my live with a friend. I don't know what really happened that day but it was the scariest experience of my life. I was convinced of being dead and in hell. The friend sitting next to me was the devil. Every move I made was anticipated. Every sentence had an answer ready before I could even complete it. I felt like a play ball being psychologically tortured for fun. And the fear was worse than any imaginable pain. I was told by my doctor later that most likely LSD was sprayed on to the weed. I had my urine tested but since it happened in the weekend and visited the doctor on Monday, It was possible for the test to come out negative even though it did had LSD on it . The test result turned out negative, and the uncertainty was killing me. For a month I slept with the lights on. I started to better my ways out of fear. As time went by, the fear diminished but the morality and ethics kind of grew on me.
It took me about 3 years of self-reflection and philosophizing. But I was finally able to find answers to all my questions, basically get things lined out once and for all so I wouldn't have to bother myself with them anymore. I concluded to believe only in science as I have always done before. Basically, because I refused to believe science left any room for free will. An indispensable aspect of any religion containing words as hell and heaven, punishment and reward.
So I defined my personality disorder and found out the source of it on my own. Well at least, I had some clues. Memories of myself in the corridor of the house I grew up in looking at the bathroom door, sounds of my mother and father struggling, My mother screaming to my older sister: pick up that knife and get rid of it – It's funny how those memories came back. I can see myself standing in that corridor and know what is happening, but I can't recall what I saw. I only see myself in 3rd-person view.
I always knew I was different from everybody else and figured that finding out the cause of my problems would help me deal with it, solve the problem. But somehow that didn't help. I had everything figured out, but I was back at square one, everything seemed pointless. And nobody's to be trusted. So I gave up the fight and continued life. Without realizing it my morality diminished again. My life had no meaning, trusting no one, nor anything except for logic and science.
But then help came from an unexpected corner. In retrospect I'd even say right before my point of view would become problematic
23;62 On no soul do We place a burden greater than it can bear.
I was trying to bend my mind over the difficult theory of time traveling and einstein-rozenberg-bridges but it all didn't make any sense. 'Till in very small amount of time a series of unrelated events, one after another seemed to point something out to me, It was as subtle touches pushing me towards a point of view. At first I thought my paranoia was finally getting to me, but then It finally hit me, as if the puzzle came together: science doesn't deny religion, no far from it, science needs religion to complete it. When I posted this on another forum I'm active on, I was told of the miracles of the Qur’an. How certain things which were unknown in the time the Qur’an were written are in it. Being so fond of science this immediately got my attention. So I started reading....
Seas of emotions went trough me as I was reading, I cried of sadness and laughed of joy, I felt safe and afraid at the same time. The words were so strong yet deliberating; so plain, yet irreplaceable in their sentences. At some times it even seemed as if the book interacted with my thoughts. No other than the creator of all things could have made such a masterwork. I never knew religion could be this logical and rational. About a week and 15 soera's later I converted. I felt alive. I believed. I no longer mistrust. And my heart found piece as promised.
13;28 Who have believed and whose hearts have rest in the remembrance of Allah. Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest!
The detailed story can be found here in his own website
Categories: Stories of Reverts
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